Okay, here's the thing...
Oh, shit!
- Come on, Klitz, come on. - Get off.
Matty, time to go, time to go. Time to go.
- What happened? - It got bad. Bolt. Bolt!
- Dude, wait up. - Fuck you, dude!
Excuse me. I just wanna let you know, I know who you really are.
And you're better than this.
Yeah?
Need a ride to school?
It's all you now. I mean, now you can do whatever you want.
Why do you believe in me so much?
I don't know. Maybe I'm stupid.
- Good luck tonight. - Thanks.
- Bye. - Bye.
Will you go to prom with me?
What?
I would love to.
Now for the scientific explanation. Anybody?
That's your speech?
Yeah.
You ready for tonight?
Hey, don't worry, man. You're gonna be great.
I have to be.
That bitch can't just run away because she don't wanna fuck on film anymore.
May I help you?
- Get up. - Okay, okay.
Stay in school.
Look, I have the most important dinner of my life tonight...
...so wherever we're going, you know, we just have to be home by 6.
Just so you know.
Here he comes.
- It's a cool ride, huh? - Yeah, if you're a fag.
- Jesus! - It's cool, it's cool.
Get in.
- Where are we going? - I thought you were cool, man.
I tried to be your friend, and what do you do?
- You fuck me. - I didn't fuck you.
She didn't show up on set because of what you said.
Now I'm out 30 grand.
- Guess who's paying me back. - What? I don't have 30 grand.
- Get your folks to help. - They don't have that kind of money.
Look, Kelly, I'm a problem solver, all right? This is what I do. Okay?
Let's just... Let's just think outside of the box here.
Look, she'll get a job, I'll keep mowing lawns, and over time we'll pay it down.
You know? This can work. We can do this.
It'll be like a payment plan.
- You really care about her, huh? - Yeah, I really do.
Yeah, I don't know. If I'm gonna do this payment-plan thing...
...I need a show of good faith, you know?
- Something concrete. - Well, like what?
A blowjob.
No. I told you she's not gonna do that anymore.
Who said anything about her?
Yeah, we're definitely outside the box now, huh?
Now, you gotta ask yourself, how far are you willing to go?
How much do you really care about her?
I'm joking, man.
Relax.
- Damn. Do I look gay to you? - No, but, Jesus...
You wanna be president? Let me tell you the first rule of politics:
Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze.
You know what that means? It means you don't steal my girl...
...unless you're ready to accept the consequences.
All right, I'm sorry, okay?
That's gonna swell up like a bitch. Here, take this.
I'm telling you, it's gonna hurt like shit.
I'm sorry I got upset. I felt taken advantage of.
Look, I'm not gonna be a dick. I know she loves you.
I'm gonna leave you guys alone. But now you're doing something for me.
Remember that ass-bag, Hugo, from the convention?
We used to be partners a long time ago.
One day, I had this killer idea to make films set in real-life situations.
You know, Real World porn.
I told the idea to Hugo. He says he'll think about it.
And what does that motherfucker do?
Takes my best girl, starts his own company with my idea...
...and the guy makes millions.
It's not the money that pisses me off. I mean, fuck, it does piss me off...
...but that's not it. It's the perception.
Everybody thinks Hugo's the genius. It was my idea.
It's like he's Simon, and I'm Garfunkel.
Look at me, man. I'm fucking Garfunkel.
- Look, seriously, I can't do this. - Don't be a pussy. Nobody's home.
- Why do you want this thing so bad? - Because it should've been mine.
- I'll grab it and leave. - You don't understand...
...I have to be at a dinner in an hour. My whole life depends on it.
- You want me out of Danielle's life? - Yes, I do.
- Then let's go. - But wait, seriously.
Sometimes, if you wanna do something good...
...you gotta do something bad. - Yeah, but this is breaking and entering.
This is politics.
Hey.
After this, we're cool, okay?
You're all right, man.
Yes.
I'd like to report a robbery.
Bang me.
Cradle the balls.
Stop! Stop! Help me!
Help! Oh, fuck!
Wait!
Come on!
Okay, so what time does the dinner start?
Six o'clock.
- Why? What time is it now? - 6:30.
- Oh, my God. - Dude, don't worry, all right?
We'll get there. You know what? Try and...
- Dude, what are you doing? - I don't know. I just...
...feel so good.
Oh, my God.
I just feel so weird.
Don't worry. Ecstasy is not that bad.
- What? - Kelly likes dosing people with E.
Oh, my God. Am I gonna die?
No, no, no. It's okay, Matt. You're gonna be fine. I promise.
You're such a good friend, Klitzy. I love you.
I love you so much.
This is gonna be amazing.
Wait a second.
Oh, my God.
You don't understand. It's really kicking in right now.
- Just try not to talk so much, okay? - Talk so much? I'm giving a speech.
- It's okay. Just go with it. - Wait, wait.
In a few minutes, we'll begin the speeches, and we hope...
Thank you again for coming to what promises to be a very eventful evening.
Matthew Kidman?
My competition.
- Hey, what's up, Ryan? - Jesus, what happened to you?
Just living life, my man.
Mina, how are you?
Okay. Just a little nervous.
But you're a little temptress, though, aren't you?
Hey, buddy. How you doing?
Hey. Thanks a lot, thanks a lot.
Hey, there's the big daddy.
Matthew, what has been going on with you?
Some serious shit.
But, Jesus, man, it's good to see you.
Will you excuse us, please?
Oh, my God. Am I blowing it?
Just try and control yourself.
- Just breathe, okay? - All right.
I have learned a lot from my teachers.
But my best teacher has always been my mother...
...a woman who worked three jobs trying to support me...
...ever since I was a little niņa.
I will never forget the day she said to me:
And that is why I have always tried to answer the call...
...of the great John F. Kennedy...
...who urged us to "Ask not what your country"...
Let's see here...
I can't speak a foreign language...
...so that's out.
And l... I certainly can't quote J.F.K. Now...
...can I, Ryan? You know what?
It's funny, I have this whole speech prepared...
...and I've been practicing for weeks...
...but you know what?
I'm just gonna go with it.
Moral fiber.
So, what is moral fiber? I mean...
It's funny, I used to think it was always telling the truth...
...doing good deeds.
You know, basically being a fucking Boy Scout.
But lately, I've been seeing it differently.
Now I think that moral fiber's about...
...finding that one thing you really care about.
That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world.
And when you find her...
...you fight for her. You risk it all.
You put her in front of everything, your future, your life...
...all of it.
And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn't so clean.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
Because in your heart you know...
...that the juice is worth the squeeze.
That's what moral fiber's all about.
First, I'd just like to commend the candidates on their impressive remarks.
This year was a very tough decision.
And as much as we'd love to give you all scholarships, we can't.
And so I am proud to announce the winner...
...of this year's Sheridan scholarship:
Ryan Winger.
Oh, God, what happened?
Yeah, I slipped.
Listen, Jeannie, Samnang's coming on Monday.
- I know. How exciting. - Yeah.
So I'm gonna need to close out the account.
What do you mean?
I mean I'm gonna need to close out the account.
- But it's already closed. - What are you talking about?
Your teacher came by yesterday and cleared out the account.
Who? What... What teacher?
Your student advisor. Mr. Salinger. The one you were with the other day.
Mr. Salinger? What are you..?
Samnang, what's wrong, my son?
That Matthew Kidman.
He fucked me, Mom. He fucked me so bad.
Son of a bitch.
Oh, my God.
- What's wrong? - Jeannie...
...didn't you ask for ID or anything?
- You said he was your student advisor. - Oh, my God.
- Jeannie, where are you going? - To get the manager.
No, hold on. Wait, wait, wait.
Matthew, what's going on?
Look...
...that guy wasn't my student advisor.
No, I know, I know. I can get the money back.
We just need to keep this between me and you for now, okay?
That's a great blouse, by the way. Have you lost weight?
No? No, wait, wait.
Jeannie.
You think about this. This is your fault too. Right?
You didn't ask for ID. You didn't do anything.
And I saw you flirting with him too, all right? So unprofessional.
- You'll lose your job over this. - Don't threaten me, you little shit.
I could give a fuck about you and your rice boy. I'm not getting fired.
Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Just... Please, I...
Just... No one can ever find out about this.
If this gets out, I'll be expelled. My life will be over.
If that money isn't back by Monday, I wouldn't worry about being expelled.
I'd worry about going to jail.
- Jeannie... - Hi, Jeannie.
Hi, Martin.
Matthew, what's wrong?
Matt, is there something you want to talk about?
Matthew, honey, what is it?
- Hi. - Come here.
I'm in so much trouble.
I can't believe we're even thinking about this.
Well, if you need that kind of money by Monday...
Yeah... What are we doing? I mean, I can't get you involved in this.
I want to do it.
Why?
Moral fiber.
- I'm in. - You haven't heard the whole plan yet.
Doesn't matter.
Fuck film school.
This is gonna be huge. This is gonna be my calling card.
- No. - Klitzy...
- No way. - Klitz...
...you know I wouldn't ask for this unless I really needed it.
Matt believe me, I want to help you, but... No.
- We'll get expelled and... - Klitz, shut up.
Do me a favor, okay?
Take a look at us, okay? Take a good look at us.
Do you know what we are, the three of us?
- What? - We're a fucking tripod.
- A tripod? - Yeah.
And you know what that means?
That means that if you kick out one of our legs, then we all fall.
Come on, baby.
Fuck.
I know it was you, Klitzy.
- Where is she? - Oh, there they are. Hey.
- Hey! - Hi, Danielle.
Hi.
- Hey, let's get our luggage! - Yeah.
- Yeah! - All right?
- I'll be there in a minute. - Okay!
So if I pull this off, I get the 25 grand on Sunday?
Kid, you pull this off...
...I'll take care of your little Samsung. - Samnang.
Whatever.
Have a nice prom, kid.
- All right, minions, over here. - Good luck.
Relax, relax.
You know what? Go wait in the car. Go.
Jesus.
Gentlemen, these are your prom dates, April and Ferrari.
Ladies, we have Eli and Klitz.
Your name is Klitz?
With a K.
Okay, get a two-shot. Minions. All right, guys, get closer.
Yeah, that's right. Show me the love. Oh, feel it. Feel it!
- Nice. - Eli?
Do those girls go to your school?
Actually, no.
Mrs. Kidman...
...they're porn stars. - Oh, yeah, right.
You look...
You... You look really nice.
Thanks.
You really do, hon. You look so beautiful.
Really?
Thanks.
What are all these cameras for?
For video yearbook.
So, what should we do? Should we start setting up?
Yeah, look, we just gotta keep this low-key, okay?
Okay. What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna get our actors.
- Dude, make sure they can act. - Yeah, all right.
- Just get out of here, okay? - Hey. Hey, I got this taken care of.
You just show this little lady a good time tonight, all right?
- Minions, let's move. - Wait. So, what are we doing?
Relax, relax.
Come on, play it cool, play it cool.
Look, they're coming to you.
Yo, Matt.
- What's up? - What's up?
- Can we talk to you for a second? - Dude, I'm with my girl here.
- Sorry, man. - Should we come back?
No, I'll leave you guys alone.
- What's up? - Hey, man, what's up with those girls?
- What about them? - Are they, like?
Are they porn stars?
- Yeah. - Shit.
I knew I recognized them. I knew it.
- Can we meet them? - Yeah.
How'd you boys like to be in a movie?
- What are these? - Your scripts.
Sign the release form at the top.
Come on, you guys, wait up!
Are these our actors?
Just these two.
What about me, dude?
Sorry, bro. Party's all full.
Gentlemen.
As an artist, I want it to come from a truthful place.
Holy shit.
- Ferrari. Ferrari. Focus. Listen. - Oh, okay.
- Are we? - No, I can do this. Don't worry.
Think Meryl Streep, Sophie's Choice.
Hey.
Next location! Come on, move!
Move, move, move! Let's go!
- I gotta be in this. - Shut up. Take this.
Oh, come on! Take the pain!
Take the pain! Get up. Come on!
May I have a word with you?
- What's up? - I found this in the hallway.
Do you know what this is?
- No, what is it? - Looks like a release form for something.
Yeah, I don't know what it is.
Have a good night.
You're strong.
You're firm.
But you have a secret.
Show that to me.
Thank you.
For what?
I never went to prom.
Excuse me, sir?
We have a problem.
- What's wrong? - Derek didn't work out.
- What happened? - Let's just say he wasn't strong...
...or firm.
Guys, I can't work like this.
Okay, relax. We'll just get somebody else.
- There is nobody else. - I thought everyone's dying to be in this.
Not this scene.
All right.
This is the key scene.
If we don't get this, Hugo's not gonna buy it.
Yeah, well, somebody's gotta step up.
- Why are you looking at me? - Because you're doing it.
Whoa, whoa, Mr. I-Just-Wanna-Bang-Hot-Chicks.
Here's your first chance.
Klitz, I can't act and direct, okay?
Oh, okay, fine. I'll direct.
- You're a director now? - Yeah, I am.
Okay, Spielberg, what lens will you use?
- It's a video camera. - So?
Dude, you don't need to change the lens on a video camera.
You know what? Take this camera and shove it up your ass!
I'll do it.
You guys have been great, but this is my mess.
- I'll clean it up. - Matt. Matt.
Your face is gonna be in this. Think about that.
- Come here, baby. - Let's...
Picture's up, people.
Are you ready, hon?
Yeah.
Okay, let's do this.
And...
...action.
What the hell is going on in here?
- Nobody move! - Oh, shit.
Who is in charge of this?
I asked you people a question!
Who is in charge here?!
Fuck it.
All right, everybody, take five.
What's wrong?
I can't do this.
What happened?
What are you gonna do?
I don't know. Doesn't matter.
No.
I'll do it.
- Klitz, it's cool. You don't have to... - No, no, I'm doing it.
Why?
Because we're a fucking tripod.
All right, here we go, people. Picture's up.
Listen, I know this is unprofessional...
...but I think you're really cute.
Yeah, right.
I'm serious.
Really cute.
How we doing, Klitzy?
Fucking great, man.
Let's do this.
And action!
See you guys.
Good night, guys.
So...
...what's the craziest thing you've done lately?
- Hello? - We're dead.
- Eli? - Dude, the tape's not here.
- I can't find it. - What?
Dude, I'm not kidding, okay? I've looked everywhere, okay?
- All right, calm down. - No, dude, you calm down! It's gone!
- What do you mean it's gone? - I mean it's freaking gone.
Somebody stole it!
- Jesus Christ! - Matthew, could you come in here?
This is Mr. Simon.
He says he has something very important to discuss with us.
Why don't you sit down.
Actually, if you don't mind...
...may I have a word with the boy alone first?
Sure.
So how was prom?
- That's mine. - You know, we were fine.
But now you go and do this? This was my idea.
Now I'm really gonna fuck your shit up.
I'm gonna need that back.
Take it from me.
Yeah...
...what are you gonna do?
I don't have to do anything.
Hugo Posh will.
Yeah, he's my partner on this, 50-50.
So could I please have my tape back?
Fuck you!
Fuck you. I'm taking your half then.
No. That money's going to Samnang. The money you stole from him.
You say that like I care. I don't give a shit.
You're giving me your half.
And if I don't?
Showtime.
- Okay. - "Okay," what?
Show them the tape.
I'm not fucking around.
I just don't care anymore.
This...
...is gonna be interesting.
Dan, Marci, Mr. Salinger...
...would you mind joining me in the living room for a second?
Great.
Matthew, is there anything you want to say before we watch this?
Okay, then. On with the show.
Hello. I'm April.
And I'm Ferrari.
You may recognize us as stars of the adult entertainment industry.
And today we're taking time out to talk about a very important subject.
- Sex. - Sex.
Special events such as senior prom place added pressure on young teens...
... to lose their virginity and engage in unprotected sex.
I know I lost my virginity at my senior prom. When'd you lose yours, April?
- When I was 10. - Moving on.
In this video, we'll go through everything from kissing to foreplay.
And for our finale, we'll show you how to put a condom on properly...
... using a real person. No cucumbers or bananas in this video.
So for those of you naughty boys expecting to see a raunchy porn video...
... you might as well turn this off now...
... because you're not gonna see sex.
What the fuck is this shit?
You're gonna see sex education.
This is interesting, Matthew.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's a great idea.
Well, you remember those sex-ed films back in our day.
Well, I'll tell you, if they were anything like this...
...we sure would've paid more attention, don't you think?
I think it's atrocious.
But...
...the hell with it.
The kids today are so goddamn screwed up...
...maybe this is the only way you can reach them.
You just might have something here, Matthew.
I think it's pretty wild.
This could really sell, don't you think?
How'd you come up with such an idea, Matthew?
What can I say?
It's like a gift, you know?
It's like I can't control it.
Courtney Booth. I will always remember late nights in Cabby...
Eric Zierdal. I'll always remember...
Kurt Kilgore. I will...
Joseph Croft. I will always remember wrestling and the great memories we had.
Matthew Kidman. I will always remember...
... the three legs of the tripod.
I'm here with Hugo Posh, the producer of Adult Education...
... the hottest-selling sex-education video ever made...
... being utilized in classrooms across the globe.
Hugo, you're known primarily as a hard-core pornographer, correct?
My business partner.
Let me break it down for you.
See, Hugo Posh isn't just tits. He isn't just ass.
I mean, yes, he is those things, but Hugo Posh is also heart.
What an ass-bag.
Fucking kid.
My student advisor.
All right, people.
Let's make some fucky-fucky.
Now, Hugo, you and your partner have made millions on this.
So who is this silent partner?
Well, he prefers to remain anonymous.
You better cure cancer, kid.
The next Einstein.
All right. Yeah, next question.
- All right. - Eli's calling card.
- How about you, buddy? - Yeah, Mr. Brooks...
...why did you decide to skip film school?
- Don't you think you're a little young? - Shut the fuck up!
Next question! Faster!
I got the tape! Can you see? I got the tape!
For our finale, I will now demonstrate the proper technique...
... for putting a condom on the real thing. Is my volunteer ready?
Klitz's big debut.
Shut up, shut up! Here he is, here he is.
Jesus, look at that guy.
He is huge.
My own scholarship to Georgetown.
And of course, I'll never forget...
... the girl next door.
As for me...
... I'm just going with it.